Thursday, March 19, 2009

Mr. Bungle's 2009 Mock Draft

1 Detroit Tigers - Matt Stafford, QB, Georgia; Matt Millen needs a quarterback to throw to all of those receivers he drafted.

2 St. Louis Rams - Jason Smith, OT, Bailor; He went to Bailor but he will be the next Pace. Get it?

3 Kansas City Cheifs - Chris Long, DE/LB, Virginia; The son of an old player, he will help the pass rush

4 Cleveland Browns - Everrette Brown, DE/LB, Florida State; He’s short but his last name is Brown. The Browns can probably market him in a funny way.

5 Seattle Sea Hawks - Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech; I don’t know. Everyone else said he’d go here so I guess whatever.

6 Cinccinnatti Bengals - LeSean McCoy, RB, Pittsburhg; Les Nessman...LeS(ean) McCoy. Need I say more?

7 Oakland Raiders - Michael Crabtree, WR, TExas Tech; Al Davis likes drafting players.

9 Green Bay Packers - Mark Sanchez, QB, USC; Brett Farve didn’t have a good year but he is now retired, so the Pack” needs a new passer.

10 San Francisco 49Niners - Aaron Curry, LB, Wake Forrest; Their coach, I can’t remember his name, used to be a linebacker so it make sense.

11 Buffalo Bills - B.J. Raji, NT, Boston College; It is very cold in Buffalo and it gets cold in Boston also, so, you know.

12 Denver Broncos - Josh Freeman, QB, Kansas State; Mick Daniels doesn’t like Jay Cutler and will likely let him sit the bench to teach him a lesson.

13 Redskins - Pass. The Redskins spent a lot of money on free agency so it might be a good idea if they just forfeit their first round pick to save money. I think they can save it and use it any time later on. I’ll look into it.

14 New Orleans Saints - Tyson Jackson, DE, LSU; He’s already close so punctuality would be a big plus with him.

15 Houston Oilers - Kenny Britt, WR, Rutgers; This team all ready had a moon, now it needs a star! This guy is good and he played in New Jersey where there seems to be an oddly high number of Dolphins fans.

16 San Diego Chargers - Andre Smith, OT, Alabama; This guy is fat as all hell but he’ll be able to shed pounds because of the sun in San Diego.

17 New York Jets - Michael Oher, OT, Ole Miss; Rex Ryan needed a replacement for Ray Lewis.

18 Chicago Bears - Percy Harvin, WR, Flordai; Rex Grossman will feel more comfy throwing to a player from his own school.

19 Tampabay Buccaneers - Clay Matthews, DE/LB, USC; This dude totally looks like a pirate.

20 Detroit Lions - Eugene Monroe, OT, Virginia; Somebody needs to protect new starting QB Mark Sanchez.

21 Philadelphia Eagles - Sammie Lee Hill, DL, Stillman; I’m pretty sure the Eagles like guys you don’t really know.

22 Minnesota Vikings - Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia; I honestly don’t trust Brad Childress. Something is up with him. Seriously, authorities should check out his basement when he isn’t home.

24 New England Patriots - Cullen Harper, QB, Clemson; The Pats need a back-up QB to replace Matt Cassel.

23 Atlanta - I have no idea.

25 Miami Dolphins - Rey Maualuga, LB, USC; Remember when Pete Carroll gave the choke sign to Pete Stoyanovich? Who is laughing now? Actually, I don’t know what that means.

26 Miami Dolphins - Vontae Davis, CB, Illinois; Baltimore needed a big receiver so Miami sends them Ernest Wilford and QB John Beck for this pick.

27 Indianapolis Colts - Pat White, QB, West W.V.; It’s time for a change at QB in Indy.

28 Philadelphia Eagles - Chris Beanie Wells, QB, Ohio State; Donovan McNabb can’t play forever and this guy probably likes soup, too.

29 N. York Giants - Alec Mack, C, Cal; New York is the center of the world, in some ways, so this works.

30 Tenesee Titans - James Laurinaitis, LB, Ohio State; How cool would it be if the Titans came out to the Road Warrior music every game? One of them died I think, though.

31 Arizona Cardinals - Myron Rolle, S, Florida State; Arizona is a pretty tight-walleted team so this is a brilliant pick. Rolle can play safety and help with the training/medical staff all for one salary. Excellent value.

32 Pittsburgh Steelers - Hakeem Nicks, WR, N.C.; Ben Roethlsiberger doesn’t like Heinz Ward because he is short.
I hope you liked my draft. Let me know what you think.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Turf toes ... and bodies

I have just invented the ultimate football weapon. I was going to keep it a secret by storing the details in my parents' basement, where I live and presumably will live for the rest of my life.

But instead I've decided to share it with all of you, free of charge. You're welcome.

My invention is the all turf/grass football uniform!

Imagine it! Dolphins players' uniforms, shoes, helmets, mouthpieces, everything, would be covered in turf. This could be the greatest gridiron idea ever.

Say Darelle Revis is covering Ted Ginn. Good luck, Darelle. He'll be like, "Hey, where'd that MF'er go? All I see is the field." Meanwhile, Ginn is standing right next to him and ready to run by for a touchdown.

By the way, I'd like us to trade Ernest Wilford to the Jets, who need a tall receiver, for Revis, who could be a starting cornerback for us. He'd sure look good wearing grass!

n n n

Remember Dan Marino's fake spike play? I've posted a video of it on the right side panel of this page. Check it out!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

I need my holes filled

I've got a couple of gaping holes and I need them to be filled, and fast. My favorite team, the Dolphins, seriously need help at cornerback and wide receiver. I'd like to discuss how to fill at least one of these holes.

Two words: Shawn Murphy. We drafted Murphy to be a guard, but there appear to be plenty of people ahead of him on the offensive line depth chart. But there is still a way for this athlete to get off the bench and help Miami become an even more powerful force.

We need a cornerback. Murphy wants more playing time. How simple is that?!

We need to convert Murphy to cornerback as soon as possible. Yes, I know it sounds surprising, but it really makes a ton of sense.

See, you might not know this, but Shawn's dad is Dale Murphy, who was a very fast baseball player. He ran fast on the bases and in the outfield. That means that Shawn has it in his genes to be fast, but he just didn't realize it. Our coaching staff just needs to bring out this speed in him.

We might even need to have Shawn visit some type of hypnotist in order to bring out that speed that is hidden in his mind.

If Matt Roth can move from defensive end to outside linebacker, you gotta know that Shawn can move from guard to cornerback because cornerbacks essentially guard other players anyway.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Dolphins need Larry Fitzgerald!


I am Mr. Bungle and this is my new Dolphins blog!

My first topic is about our wide receivers. We definitely need to upgrade our receiving corps.

The best way to do that? Trade for Arizona's Larry Fitzgerald. Why shouldn't we do it? He is the best receiver out there and we have players that I'd like to see us trade away.

Here are 10 reasons why it makes sense for the Dolphins to get Fitzgerald:

1. Larry Fitzgerald is the best receiver in the NFL and we need a great receiver.
2. Trading Ernest Wilford and maybe someone like Paul Solai would would give Arizona two players for just one and move those seldom used players off of Miami's roster.
4. Larry Fitzgerald jumps incredibly high so we might be able to use him to block field goals or extra points.
3. You might not know this, but Larry Fitzgerald wears glasses when he isn't playing, so he is obviously smart.
5. Ted Ginn went to Ohio State and Larry Fitzgerald went to Pitt, so they played college football kinda near each other.
6. Yes, Larry Fitzgerald's salary is high. But if he also plays special teams, we can cut one of those guys.
7. Larry would be a great "Fitz" on our team. Get it?
8. With Bess' hair and Fitzgerald's hair, we could probably think of a fun nickname for our receiving unit.
10. If we throw to Fitzgerald a lot instead of running so much, our fullbacks won't get so banged up trying to block for running backs.
It's crazy if we don't trade for this guy. He is too good.